Death Simultaneously

Death simultaneously is an emotion, an experience, and a thought process I’m too familiar with. Its the rapid change of a mental state from despair to delusional laughing, to crying yourself to sleep.

What is it about the death of another – that when you experience it, you start to relive every moment with that person while simultaneously imagining future moments they will be absent for?

Is it our brain sending a message to our heart in an attempt to avoid the denial phase of grief while simultaneously crushing it into a million pieces? You’ll miss some of the best days of my life.

What is it about the day before they die when you’re sitting at the end of the bed and waiting – You’re waiting, and silently hoping their pain ends soon while simultaneously trying to make the final moments together concrete in your memory.

Is it because all of a sudden we are reminded that forever has an ending? You think you have time but you don’t. You think you have more. You think you have forever, but you don’t.

What is it about death that makes you want to remember them alive right now while simultaneously knowing that this is not how they want to be remembered?

Is it because they want you to remember the times you looked up at them, not down?

What is it about an unexpected death that makes you think about their last few hours on earth while simultaneously thinking about the moment they left this world?

Is it our own internal and natural fear of death that leads us to think about today as just another day one second, then it becomes the worst day of our lives the next? You never think the last time is the last time.

What is it about death that leads you to find yourself remembering the good times and laughing at the memories while simultaneously planning a funeral and helping complete the perfect eulogy?

Is it because we’re taught to be thankful for the memories and trying to find comfort in knowing they’re in a better place? They would have stayed forever if they could.  

What is it about death that suddenly makes you want to “live like you’re dying” while simultaneously knowing we’re all living to die anyway?

Is it because we want to believe that if we make the moments count it won’t hurt so much when it’s over? It’s going to hurt, like hell every day. 
The thing about death whether it be anticipated or unexpected is that it leaves a hole in your heart but it creates a space in your mind. A space that forces you to face fear, relief, reality, and grief simultaneously. The fear was losing you, the relief is that you’re no longer in pain, the reality is living without you, and the grief is love with no place to go.